93 lines
4.4 KiB
Plaintext
93 lines
4.4 KiB
Plaintext
From "Gulliver's Travels":
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I said there was a society of men among us,
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bred up from their youth in the art of proving
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by words multiplied for the purpose, that
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white is black, and black is white, according
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as they are paid. To this society all the rest
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of the people are slaves.
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"For example. If my neighbor hath a mind to my
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cow, he hires a lawyer to prove that he ought to
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have my cow from me. I must then hire another to
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defend my right; it being against all rules of law
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that any man should be allowed to speak for himself.
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Now in this case, I who am the true owner lie under
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two great disadvantages. First, my lawyer being
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practiced almost from his cradle in defending
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falsehood is quite out of his element when he would
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be an advocate for justice, which as an office
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unnatural, he always attempts with great awkwardness,
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if not ill-will. The second disadvantage is that my
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lawyer must proceed with great caution, or else he
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will be reprimanded by the judges, and abhorred by
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his brethren, as one who would lessen the practice
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of the law. And therefore I have but two methods
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to preserve my cow. The first is to gain over my
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adversary's lawyer with a double fee; who will then
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betray his client, by insinuating that he hath
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justice on his side. The second way is for my
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lawyer to make my cause appear as unjust as he can;
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by allowing the cow to belong to my adversary; and
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this if it be skillfully done, will certainly
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bespeak the favor of the bench.
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"Now, these judges are persons appointed to
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decide all controversies of property, as well as
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for the trial of criminals; and picked out from the
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most dexterous lawyers who are grown old or lazy;
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and having been biased all their lives against truth
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and equity, lie under such a fatal necessity of
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favoring fraud, perjury, and oppression, that I
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have known some of them to have refused a large
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bribe from the side where justice lay, rather than
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injure the faculty, by doing anything unbecoming
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their nature or their office.
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"It is a maxim among these lawyers, that whatever
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hath been done before may legally be done again; and
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therefore they take special care to record all
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decisions formerly made against common justice and the
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general reason of mankind. These, under the name of
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'precedents', they produce as authorities to justify
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the most iniquitous opinions; and the judges never
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fail of directing accordingly.
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"In pleading, they studiously avoid entering
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into the merits of the cause; but are loud, violent,
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and tedious in dwelling upon all circumstances
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which are not to the purpose. For instance, in the
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case already mentioned, they never desire to know
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what claim or title my adversary hath to my cow;
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but whether the said cow were red or black; her horns
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long or short; whether the field I graze her in be
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round or square; whether she were milked at home
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or abroad; what diseases she is subject to, and the
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like. After which they consult precedents, adjourn
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the cause, from time to time, and in ten, twenty,
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or thirty years come to an issue.
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"It is likewise to be observed, that this society
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hath a peculiar cant and jargon of their own, that
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no other mortal can understand, and wherein all
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their laws are written, which they take special
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care to multiply; whereby they have wholly confounded
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the very essence of truth and falsehood, of right and
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wrong; so that it will take thirty years to decide
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whether the field, left me by my ancestors for six
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generations, belong to me, or to a stranger three
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hundred miles off.
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"In the trial of persons accused of crimes against
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the state, the method is much more short and
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commendable: the judge first sends to sound the
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disposition of those in power; after which he can
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easily hang or save the criminal, preserving all
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the forms of law."
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Here my master interposing said it was a pity
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that creatures endowed with such prodigious abilities
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of mind as these lawyers, by the description I gave
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of them must certainly be, were not rather encouraged
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to be instructors of others in wisdom and knowledge.
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In answer to which, I assured his honor that in all
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points out of their own trade, they were usually the
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most ignorant and stupid generation among us, the
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most despicable in common conversation, avowed
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enemies to all knowledge and learning; and equally
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disposed to pervert the general reason of mankind,
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in every other subject of discourse as in that of
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their own profession.
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